Here's a list of all the things that have been on my mind recently:
*Paintball
*Paintball
*Paintball
*Paintball
*God
*Paintball
*Paintball
*Food
*Girls
*Paintball
*Money
Here's a list of things I haven't played in years:
*Paintball...
I love that I am excited to play again and I have been searching Ebay and ANSgear finding all sorts of deals on paintball gear. This past week I have spent more time watching paintball videos then I have slept. Apparently you miss a lot of news when you tune out of a sport for 6 years. Aside from all the excitement and learning I can't help but notice how I've been neglecting God and spending my time obsessing on something.... worthless in comparison.
Paintball is awesome, but it's not as awesome as God. I hope to glorify God through paintball and keep my focus on serving Him rather than just seeking out adrenaline.
In the Pro division of paintball there is only 1 team that is a "christian" team and they lost almost every match since going pro.... Chattanooga CEP (Cross Eyed Paintball).
In short: I have an obsession and need to place God in front of all that.
I need to apologize for "My love life..." and that's kinda funny. In all seriousness the theme of that post was that I suck and that Gods Love is awesome. I am a lazy writer and the reasons behind the relationship falling apart were that I didn't really know what Love was, I was passive and weak when it came time to do what was right, and I was selfish.... There are some other words I would use to describe me but I don't find them to be blog appropriate.
A week into dating I told her I loved her. I was pretty sure I was going to marry her someday. And with those thoughts in mind being physical felt almost justified at the time. I was greatly mistaken and inexperienced and that's a terrible way to try and lead a relationship. I'm just "a boy who can shave" not that I have to, but it takes a man to do what is right and lead well.
here is a poem I wrote awhile back: (it's pretty emo)
The Heartless Captain (metaphorically of course)
For where your treasure is there your heart will be also
Well, my treasure is at the bottom of the sea
but I am a man drowning on dry land
The Captain never went down with his ship
but his heart sank to depths unseen.
We were fools to fill the hull
with nothing but fire and fools gold
at first I thought it was the passion that burned
but then I saw the boards at our feet
dissolving into ashes and our gold was
smelted down into nothing pure
I thought it best to leave these useless ores
So I abandoned ship and swam to shore
Now I walk the sand as the heartless Captain
and through my telescope I can still see the smoke rising
I hope my heart decides to float back to me
but it's having trouble letting go of these memories
I'll have to get my feet wet to actually be free from this great treachery
and untangle my heart from the depths of the sea...
The poem is about a ship that is a relationship and a terrible captain that is glad to be alive but ashamed that he didn't go down with his ship and now he just kinda wanders around lifeless and still feeling the full weight of his poor leadership.
God is so undeniably incredible it's ridiculous.
We were made in the image of God and yet we try to deny His existence.
We were made in the image of God and think of ourselves as gods.
We were made in the image of God and God was sorry He ever made us. (Gen. 6:5-7)
We were made in the image of God and yet we blatantly disregard His laws.
We were made in the image of God and use His name in vain.
We were made in the image of God and when He came to set us straight we murdered Him.
God has every reason to wipe us from existence and yet God forgives us.
God is perfect and though we try to distort His image; He passionately pursues us and offers redemption for the wrong we have done to Him so that we can be made perfect again.
I have come to the realization of how downright wicked I have been and yet I can't even begin to fathom how awesome God is.
When I examine my love life I don't actually love life.
Here is the emo blog post that I hope you find to be: informative, bearable, and mildly amusing.
Two years ago.
I went and hung out with a girl on Valentines day, just the two of us and just as friends of course. We went longboarding around Hastings for a few hours and we talked about life. In the weeks to follow we hung out more and more. We watched movies together, went longboarding with friends, and played against each other in some pretty brutal Mario Cart races. I decided that I really liked this girl and on March 1st after a late night of watching Paranormal Activity and then sharing our personal testimonies of how God had worked in our lives; Boom, we were holding hands and there was much nervousness but we started dating. A week later I kissed a girl for the first time and by the end of the night I kissed her for the 10,000th time. We spent every possible moment together and night after night of making out while a film played in front of us, we would cuddled together on the worlds most uncomfortable couch. I thought this is love... Life couldn't get much better than this. But then Summer came and with the heat and humidity things started to get hot and heavy. The physical side of the relationship escalated quickly. After compromising our morals and beliefs night after night we would try to set up boundaries and then proceed to go far beyond those boundaries. I felt like such a hypocrite and began hating myself for failing to live the way I knew to be right. I would longboard home from her apartment at 5am feeling depleted and defeated. I slept only a few hours each day and then I would go to my job pushing shopping carts for 8 hours at Wal-Mart. While at work I would replay everything in my mind and become incredibly depressed. Through the counsel of a good friend and some Mark Driscoll sermons online I was able to see that the best thing for her and for me was to end the relationship and get centered on Christ again.
It didn't seem right and it didn't seem fair, but I had to admit that I failed. And for the next 3 months I felt like a complete failure. I still pushed carts everyday, I found it increasingly hard to sleep, and the relationship turned from bf and gf to friends with regrets. My best friends and I went to Colorado that summer to hike, camp, and white water raft. I fell in love with the mountains and had the time of my life with my friends. Once we got back to Nebraska I began to hatch out a plan to move closer to the rockies. This move would benefit me in several ways; seeing as 700 miles is a far distance I would be incapable of committing any further sexual sin with my ex-gf. I would get to experience life in a big city and life next to mountains. And most importantly I would be clueless and have to rely on God for everything. In October I loaded my car up with everything I owned, said my goodbyes, and got lost the moment I got to Denver. I had maybe $200. to my name and no job....
My life seemed pretty sketchy at that point... dump the girl you love, quit your job, and move to the mountains...
Wait God are you sure about this?
Yes, Now pull your pants up and head for the hills
Since moving to the suburbs of Denver God has provided me with, a job I enjoy, excellent friends and roomies, the ability to play bass guitar on trips to California, a great church, and brutal hardcore concerts. But when I focus on the past and the mistakes I have made it's very easy to get depressed and lose sight of what God is doing in my life right now. God is continually pouring out his Love for all of us and he needs to be first in our love life, and if he is then we will in fact love life.
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength;
and love your neighbor as much as you love yourself" - Luke 10:27
"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous
or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand it's own way. Love
is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It
is never glad about injustice but rejoices when truth wins out. Love
never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures
through every circumstance." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Also, I think this dude is pretty cool.
(I may post more on this topic in the future, but thats all for now)
At church this morning the sermon was about persistence in prayer and Gods righteousness. I realized that there are a lot of things in my life that I have given up on and stopped praying about. Sometimes God answers prayers with No and sometimes Not Yet and other times Yes, Go For It. I've decided I need to examine my heart and prayers more thoroughly so that I am seeking Gods will and not personal comfort. A lot of times I am pretty shallow in my prayers and a lot of times I overlook the deeper issues in my life. While at the same time asking God why I have these problems. Anyways I need to abandon my own desires and set my heart on pursuing Gods. I will be praying more this week and about things that really matter in the sight of eternity.
Also, I gotta stop this whole being prideful thing so that I can pursue glorifying Gods Kingdom without seeking my own self righteous glorification. Even with this blog I have the "Hey look at me" attitude, when it should always be "Hey look at God use the most broken tool He could find and still He brings glory to Himself". Yes I deem it appropriate to call myself a tool.
God is working on my heart, I'm getting ready to pray meaningful prayers, and a prideful tool is just a fool.
Today I slept in until 12, ran 3 miles, read a bit of Radical by David Platt and then went to see the band Listener. Sounds like a good day and it should have been. I slept for so long because I just didn't want to get up. I hated my run; I felt winded, wanted to puke, and couldn't catch my stride. Reading was nice, but my mind kept wandering off from the pages. Listener I loved. Their new songs sound amazing! and I'm excited for the new album in hopefully late March. I came to the realization that I'm 1,000 times more awkward when I try to talk to the people in the bands I love. Dan remembered me and I was impressed, what a cool guy.
(new mug and bandana)
Lately I have been depressed. Maybe it's from not having worked out in the past week, maybe it's from not knowing what to do in life, or maybe it's just the weather. I don't really know what is causing it but I just want to get back to being active and optimistic. I guess I just need to remember that "There is a brand new day brewing".
The past two nights I've had dreams in which some of my friends were dead. Those dreams are dumb, Long Live My Friends!
I opened up my notebook the other night to try and finish some poems I started months and months ago. It only seemed to depress me as I dragged up the past and had nothing good to add. So there they sit... stories with no endings, no character, and no class.
Work is picking up, I'm getting 38 hours this week. I have almost completely dominated this cold and I really look forward to running again. I may get the honor of seeing the band Listener on Friday and that's always exciting.
Good day at work.
$20. because my manager is just awesome.
Pizza.
Talked to Aussies.
PBR.
Hot tub.
Made Nathan eat a pineapple chunk he dropped in the hot tub.
Coconut Records.
Code Red Dew.
Bass.
Books.
Bill Murray.
Being Loved by an all powerful God, who should smite me but blesses me instead.
Today I had the privilege to sit down and talk to three young ladies about their faith in Joseph Smith. It was very informative; I got a free book, pamphlet, and dvd. 14 year old Joe saw a pillar of light with Jesus and God and they were like, "hey dude, you're like a prophet now. We're tired of all these denominations in the church go make up another." But with all the information and teaching me the history of Mormonism I gotta say, It's way too silly... The bible makes total sense... Why would you add another book to it that doesn't make any sense? They were very polite and reenforced everything I believe while at the same time told me I need to believe/do more.
The Mormon faith tries desperately to play off of Christianity as if they are almost one of the same. So it would be easy just to believe in a few extra things, but there are many many many differences between the two. You can say to a Mormon, "Jesus is the only way." and they would say, "yeah, Joe told us that along with this other stuff you have to do." A lot of their faith is based off of how they feel rather than any real evidence to back it up, and a lot of claims that are absolutely ridiculous.
All that really matters to me is the truth that the Bible holds and the salvation that can only be found in Jesus alone. However enticing magic underwear and my own planet may seem, it just has no comparison on Truth. I do admire how active the Mormons are in their faith and the courage it takes to go door to door. Plus they are very polite which is rare nowadays. I just hate that glazed over look that they give me when I open my door. Seriously it freaks me out!
