thinking about creating a different blog and writing again... something about knowing people judge what I write has limited my honest outlet of writing. It's fair I mean I write some sketchy stuff sometimes, but when I do i don't need to be told I'm wrong for feeling how I do at that time... After all I just want to be honest..

Mutiny

I officially joined a paintball team today!
Mutiny of Colorado, it's a new team for scenario and tournament play.
I'm pretty excited.
Our first day of rec ball is on the 8th and then we'll figure out the tourney team from that...
I haven't played a tourney since 2006 and back then we got our butts handed to us.
Hoping we can put something good together with the random guys we have.

obsession

Paintball is once again at the forefront of my mind.
I've been buying gear, watching tournament videos, working out.
All with the hopes of getting better at paintball.
On Sunday I bunkered three guys...
I'm playing aggressive again and that's good.
Trying to start a team, or join one for some tournaments this summer.
Starting a team is going to be a huge challenge...
First tournament is April 6th.


"I'm not a malicious person, but the feeling you get from shooting someone with a paintball is beyond words."
-Oliver Lang


Also I just bought a helmet cam so I'll be able to film some gameplay in the future.

self pity I guess

Well,
I deleted some old texts last night..
One message said, "I just don't understand how you can shut your feelings off just like that". And I couldn't answer it a year ago and still don't know how. But I held onto it for such a long time to remind myself constantly that... that I deserve loneliness and sadness. Now don't get me wrong I've had some good days and some bad days and there is goodness in life, but that's the one I would turn to on all the bad days. I'd feel good about making myself feel worse and worse. As if it would help anything. In a backwards kind of way it's a little funny how you can't shut sadness off just like that. And I know Jesus forgives and I should have opened up to that ages ago, but I think I'm finally getting to that point now where I can see that life isn't meant to be depressing all the time and that I will mess things up in life, and sometimes majorly. But God will always forgive me, and wants me to experience life fully. God is so good... I love it when He reminds me that I'm more to Him than what I've done.

well,
good night.